CERN researchers confirm existence of the Force

CERN researchers confirm existence of the Force
The Force has proven a popular research tool for the CERN beams department Credit: Max Brice and Daniel Dominguez/CERN

Researchers at the Large Hadron Collider just recently started testing the accelerator for running at the higher energy of 13 TeV, and already they have found new insights into the fundamental structure of the universe. Though four fundamental forces – the strong force, the weak force, the electromagnetic force and gravity – have been well documented and confirmed in experiments over the years, CERN announced today the first unequivocal evidence for the Force. "Very impressive, this result is," said a diminutive green spokesperson for the laboratory.

"The Force is what gives a particle physicist his powers," said CERN theorist Ben Kenobi of the University of Mos Eisley, Tatooine. "It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us; and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together."

Though researchers are as yet unsure what exactly causes the Force, students and professors at the laboratory have already started to harness its power. Practical applications so far include long-distance communication, influencing minds, and lifting heavy things out of swamps.

Kenobi says he first started teaching the ways of the Force to a young lady who was having trouble revising for her particle-physics exams. "She said that I was her only hope," says Kenobi. "So I just kinda took it from there. I designed an experiment to detect the Force, and passed on my knowledge."

Kenobi's seminal paper "May the Force be with EU" – a strong argument that his experiment should be built in Europe – persuaded the CERN Council to finance the installation of dozens of new R2 units for the CERN data centre*. These plucky little droids are helping physicists to cope with the flood of data from the laboratory's latest experiment, the Thermodynamic Injection Energy (TIE) detector, recently installed at the LHC.

"We're very pleased with this new addition to CERN's accelerator complex," said data analyst Luke Daniels of human-cyborg relations. "The TIE detector has provided us with plenty of action, and what's more it makes a really cool sound when the beams shoot out of it."

CERN researchers confirm existence of the Force
CERN librarian Tullio Basaglia has learnt to harness the Force to return reference books to their shelves. Credit: Max Brice and Daniel Dominguez/CERN

But the research community is divided over the discovery. Dark-matter researcher Dave Vader was unimpressed, breathing heavily in disgust throughout the press conference announcing the results, and dismissing the cosmological implications of the Force with the quip "Asteroids do not concern me".

Rumours are growing that this rogue researcher hopes to delve into the Dark Side of the Standard Model, and could even build his own research station some day. With the academic community split, many are tempted by Vader's invitations to study the Dark Side, especially researchers working with red lasers, and anyone really with an evil streak who looks good in dark robes.

CERN researchers confirm existence of the Force
CERN physicist Valerio Rossetti harnesses the Force for more mundane tasks, such as reheating coffee. Credit: Max Brice and Daniel Dominguez/CERN

"We hope to continue to study the Force, and perhaps use it to open doors with our minds and fly around and stuff," said TIE experimentalist Fan Buoi. "Right now, to be honest, I don't really care how it works. The theory department have some crackpot idea about life forms called midi-chlorians, but frankly I think that poorly thought out explanations like that just detract from how cool the Force really is."

With the research ongoing, many at CERN are already predicting that the Force will awaken later this year.

*Sources close to the Data Centre later revealed that these were not the droids they were looking for.


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Maybe it wasn't the Higgs particle after all

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Apr 01, 2015
Lol :-)

Apr 01, 2015
I've heard that Koch Industries has released a new product called the Dark Force(TM) and it is used by many of the climate change deniers.

Apr 01, 2015
Nice one xD.

Apr 01, 2015
Practical applications so far include long-distance communication, influencing minds, and lifting heavy things out of swamps.

...and strangling dissenters ;-)

Apr 01, 2015
This comment has been removed by a moderator.

Apr 01, 2015
April 1st. Now to the dark side.

Apr 01, 2015
Due to world tensions Cern didn't reveal all they know. Dark matter and energy are really the dark side of the force. They are afraid if people know about the existence of the dark side people will flock to it. That's obviously a crazy notion, if that were true people would flock to whack jobs like ISIS or devil worship.

Apr 01, 2015
Well, with objectivity in mind, this is disconcerting.

I wonder if it is an April Fool's.

Apr 01, 2015
I'm starting a company to utilize the power of the force to generate infinite energy from household waste products. Through breaking down the waste into its raw atomic particles and then colliding them using a mini accelerator, we have demonstrated that out of 1Kg of typical household waste we can generate 0.74 GWh of electric energy. Essentially it means that we can create a sustainable eco-system in the home using our waste to electricity generator where electricity comes from waste within the home rather than the grid. The bi-product of the generator is a low level radioactive substance that decay within a few days and can be used by farmers as a fertilizer.

Apr 01, 2015
May the farce be with you happy April fools.

Apr 01, 2015
Aside from mysticism streaming of the lines in the article, I understand that scientists at CERN think that they have found another thing that confirms their wrong theories. It seems to me that they have become explorers on assignment and what is want from them will find it. Otherwise, stop the funding. First it was the Higgs boson which has no reason to exist except to maintain a false theory. Now "The Forse". But the idea that forces are unified at high energies is derived from the known failed theory of the big bang. If someone start at the beginning in the wrong path with time will increasingly moving away from the goal. This happens with fundamental science today. They can try to smash atoms with 1 million Tev and I can assure them that the result will be the same. Nothing more to find because this is not the way. The power approach never leads to positive result. The matter keeps its secrets for those who understand God's principles and the truth is their guiding light.

Apr 01, 2015
LOL. Happy April 1st to everyone!

May the Force be with you.


Apr 01, 2015
A truly fun and funny application of classic lines from a classic movie.

Apr 01, 2015
Somebody musta started da machine not a knowin' it was shorted out....and da Leprachauns got 'im.

Apr 01, 2015
That's only one good thing they discovered for $20 billions the rest will be crap. They would have found that out by visiting any psychic for $20 but it were just government easy money, freshly printed by ECB.

Apr 01, 2015
"The matter keeps its secrets for those who understand God's principles . . . "

Including "the principle of extreme gullibility", apparently.

Apr 01, 2015
The real irony is that the "Force" is closer to reality than the nonsense they're postulating.

Apr 01, 2015
This has got to be a joke...not a good one

Apr 01, 2015
It's April Fools Day!

And people think scientist and science writers have no sense of humor.

Apr 02, 2015
Can we disqualify the morons who fell for this from the human race? Or at least from any discussion of science?

Apr 02, 2015
And amidst the deserved catcalling of all the above quotes, it remains the "god" the Funny Farm Science crowd who live on this site who ascribe to these kinds of marratives along with their DM cosmic fairy dust which has become the spirit of this "god-Force".

Apr 02, 2015
Can we disqualify the morons who fell for this from the human race? Or at least from any discussion of science?

like Benni and cantdrive?
absolutely... they've already shown that they cant READ with their comments!
ROTFLMFAO

loved the article!
Hey, maybe the physicists simply forgot to do their "differential equations" benni?
ROTFLMFAO

Apr 02, 2015
Can we disqualify the morons who fell for this from the human race? Or at least from any discussion of science?

like Benni and cantdrive?
absolutely... they've already shown that they cant READ with their comments!
ROTFLMFAO

loved the article!
Hey, maybe the physicists simply forgot to do their "differential equations" benni?
ROTFLMFAO


El Stumpo........you're the Retired Old Codger here who can't learn either new tricks or more math. Profanity and Copy & Paste is your only forte.

Apr 02, 2015
Viko, this is a joke for April 1rst, not a real article.
Explorers on assignment? They are not told what discoveries to make.
If you believe that what discoveries out of the many proposed possible will be chosen after the LHC starts giving data again?

If they had not found a highs boson doesn't mean they'd lose funding because it would of not been a failure in its efforts! They were there to test theories and gather data. Ruling out the highs in those energy ranges so if no higgs had been found it would of still been successful.

OK. Let's say big bang is false(its not but for argument) Why do the electromagnetic and weak force combine at high eenergy? Gut is not based off the big bang nor does it require it.

What is "the way"?
Don't bother to answer. We all know you are going to say god and the bible and then rant about
"Atheist scientists" and how scientists don't look in the bible for an explanation of our scientific research and questions.


Apr 02, 2015
Holy cow! They discovered COLD FUSION!

Apr 03, 2015
The highs in my post above should be higgs except when saying high energy. autocorrect changed it on some and I didn't notice it.

Apr 03, 2015
who can't learn either new tricks or more math
@benniTROLL
you mean YOUR math? claiming the "earth wobbles" are timed to the galactic year like HERE: http://phys.org/n...als.html

or your "differential equations" math which you FAILED to do HERE: http://phys.org/n...html#jCp
LMFAO

you should clarify those comments
because i can PROVE that you are a liar with your own words and in the links there

and as for your disdain for copy/paste- perhaps you would actually make more sense and be treated as semi-knowledgeable if you could at least link or show references to your conjectures

you are only angry because people think you are an idiot based upon your own words

you can't even read, as shown above!
(BIG HINT: Please now visit this article: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_Fools%27_Day should have given it all away to you, ya' geriatric illiterate TROLL)

Apr 03, 2015
shouldn't this article be removed ?- it already 2 days past april 1?

Apr 04, 2015
I think its more amusing how people took this article as real and say it confirms a quack theory, basic education in science would have told you it wasn't true... regardless of april 1st.The article has revealed how dumb they are!

Apr 04, 2015
This wasn't even funny to begin with.

Apr 05, 2015
Not funny. April fool jokes are for, and by, fools.

There are bound to be some who will believe this.

Maybe I should just consider everything coming out of CERN a "joke".

Apr 05, 2015
WHAT!!! That is just the kind of stupid crackpot nonsense that gives real science a bad reputation it ill deserves!
How could they waste billions of dollars doing such .....
....
...
...Oh. Right. Now I get it. It's a joke.

Apr 05, 2015
April fool jokes are for, and by, fools
@Terratian
or youth and those who need to break out of the doldrums of the winter months and renew themselves in the spirit of spring
https://en.wikipe...s%27_Day
it is a cultural thing
There are bound to be some who will believe this
absolutely true... just like there are people who believe the electric universe, in jvk's stinky pheromone perfume and in aliens... but that is the power of sarcastic satirical hyperbole... to make light of the situation in order to bring awareness of ignorance and/or stupidity
Maybe I should just consider everything coming out of CERN a "joke"
you would only be joining the crowd of the anti-science movement...

lighten up, it is a joke meant for levity, not for serious discourse
hence the "diminutive green spokesperson" reference in the first paragraph

Humor is more about reception than delivery:

why are you so offended?

ask yourself that honestly

Apr 07, 2015
There IS a fundamental force that forms all other forces. Swordsman is perfectly correct! The rotation induced by the interaction of equal but opposite charges creates photons which increase in energy until pair formation creates electrons and positrons. Beta (+/-) pairs aggregate to build nucleons, atoms and more complex organizations of the same particles (check out the electron-mass/charge ratios of neutrons and protons). BTW, this accounts for supersymmetry.

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